Earlier this week, in light of worries that Yahoo’s purchase of Tumblr would mean an end to porn on the micro-blogging platform, I reviewed its most popular adult blogs. I slogged through hours of explicit material — all for you. But then, the sophisticated porn-oisseurs among you were like: Who needs this plebe porn? Show us the best!
Alright, I hear you. But there is only so much of the Internet — even the pornographic Tumblr Internet — that one woman can cover, so I called in some expert help from porn stars, journalists and sexperts. The result is a wildly eclectic bunch of blogs featuring everything from porn superstar Stoya to the indifferent cats of amateur porn. There is something in here for everyone — even if you don’t consider yourself a pornophile.
This blog brands itself as “a curated sensual images site that focuses on sensuality, positive body image, sexual pleasure and beautiful photos depicting desire and passion.” Its tagline: “smart is sexy.” Michael Thomsen, a sex writer, recommends it because of “the looping GIFs of isolated gestures during sex,” he says, “like a stroke of the hand just playing into infinity, or else like pulling down someone’s underwear while their hips rise in anticipation.” It’s this “pretty straightforward, vanilla stuff that often gets rushed over in long-form porn but [which] captures a little more honest and relatable part of sex than just fuck videos,” he says. That’s the magic of GIFs, Thomsen argues: “[They’re] the perfect format for getting around the paradox of needing sex on film to be maximally visual, which also makes it maximally unnatural and mechanistic.”
Here’s another recommendation from Thomsen: “I also have a soft spot for Underwear Tuesday since they show more normal people and not super-human porn bodies,” he says. “I think that’s, in a way, even more appealing, though I don’t get turned on at all looking at their pictures.” He says “it captures a real basic comfort that comes with along with sex in the lazy, not-super-heated moments of just being naked with someone and not having anywhere to go or any specific agenda to follow.”
Ugly Ugly Emptiness
I’ll leave the description to Conner Habib, a porn performer and writer who says it’s one of his favorites: “Right now, a quick scroll reveals a really sexy picture of Joss Hutcherson wearing a shirt that says ‘I fuck boys who fuck girls,’ homoerotic renaissance paintings, vintage gay porn, photos of guys playing sports with too-tight shorts and more.” He explains that he loves it for “its eclectic choices and its bizarre diversions from porn.” Also, he adds, “Whoever curates this Tumblr gets that porn is a lot of things, not just explicitly sexual imagery.”
This blog, named after the 1972 gay porn film “Bijou,” is another of Habib’s favorites. ”It’s all vintage porn, featuring the typical-but-still-erotic washed-out colors and grainy quality photos,” he says. “No matter how good Instagram filters get, they’ll never quite evoke the feeling of truly vintage photos.”
Stuff in My Vagina
It’s exactly what it sounds like: an X-rated version of Stuff On My Cat. It features photos of various items — a carnival light, gold coin, plastic mouse, can of cat food, asthma inhaler — inserted into a woman’s vagina. There is some cheating — one photo shows a beer bottle clearly inserted into a different orifice — but the fans seem to care more about ingenuity than anatomical specificity.
This one comes courtesy of Lux Alptraum, CEO of Fleshbot. “Oh, there are a bunch of really good [porn Tumblrs] — though it bums me out that most of them don’t credit the original source of their photos,” she says. “I think for originality and creativity, I’m gonna have to go with the (sadly defunct) Stuff in My Vagina.”
Susannah Breslin has written about the adult industry for over a decade. She’s seen it all in person — from gangbangs to bukkake — and yet there is at least one adult Tumblr that manages to impress her. It’s a blog filled with meditations on topics such as “the metaphysics of cocksucking,” as well as a sexy photo here and there. Breslin has a couple of choice words to recommend porn star Stoya’s Tumblr: “Smart and sexy as fuck.”
Fuck, I’m Horny
This one is run by a couple who re-blog images and post their own originals. “There may be two naked guys kissing on the beach or artwork or a selfie or a GIF,” says Rachel Kramer Bussel, a writer and editor of approximately a million sex writing and erotica anthologies. “I’m definitely more of a minimalist when it comes to porn, rather than needing the super closeups. I like the variety there rather than just one type of sex act or sexuality.”
The Lingerie Addict
From retro bikinis to the Victoria’s Secret runway, this blog doesn’t feature smut, per se, but Bussel says, “What I find there is often sexier than a lot of porn Tumblrs.”
Indifferent Cats in Amateur Porn
Tell me this isn’t genius: a blog entirely devoted to photos and videos from amateur porn in which a pet cat steals the show from the fornicating stars. Taking a sexy selfie? Masturbating on webcam? Performing fellatio? Cats just don’t care. The site is filled with captions along the lines of, “Kitty is indifferent to your nice blue strap-on.” It might not be the best masturbation material — although, to each their own — but this blog takes a refreshingly absurdist look at sex and porn. That’s why it’s my personal recommendation.